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Moving on. How to deal with a divorce, things that help.

Jun 29

DMTime Management No Comments

So, you are trying to find your way after a divorce, or during a divorce.

Here are some things you can do to find peace of mind in a divorce.

1. First, spend time with people that encourage you. These are things that helped me. Just find people that will care and help you through it. If you don’t have anyone close, there are lots of support groups online to get involved in.

2. Don’t be angry at people trying to help your significant other. Pray for your sig. other, even if you feel they are in the wrong. And don’t treat people who are kind to your spouse or soon to be ex spouse as the enemy. I have seen so many people do this and it’s terrible. You can’t forget that people need love, no matter if we approve of their actions or if you get along with them.

3. If you have children, make sure to spend time with them, explain to them how much you love them and that it’s not their fault. If you are the current one taking care of your children and you are separated from your children, make sure your spouse or sig. other can spend time with them in a safe way, unless they pose danger to you or your children.

4. If you have to find arrangements for living, try to find something that is comfortable. Preferably where you don’t have to be alone. I am currently living with a buddy. He has helped me a lot because if I need to vent we just talk and deal with stuff.

5. Understand that you may face any or all of the following feelings and they won’t last forever.
- Despair or depression.
- Feeling abandoned or betrayed.
- Bitterness or hopelessness.
- Anger or self pity.
-Fear of the future.

These  things won’t last forever, do your best to process through them. Work your hardest to to focus on what you DO HAVE and where you WANT to be in life, not where you were or even where you are. When you identify these feelings find a healthy way to express them, even if it means writing down all of your emotions in a journal or a blog. I find that journaling helps me feel better. If you aren’t one to write, find a good and trusted friend or counselor and ask if you can share these things with them and ask for suggestions in how to deal with them.

Remember that God loves you. God uses broken people, to do miraculous things. Even if it was your fault, or partially your fault, admit to Him your part, and if you had no fault in the situation, ask for God to show you how to forgive, how to deal with these feelings. The Bible states that Jesus was “Sent to bind up the broken hearted” there is a lot of love and forgiveness at the cross.

Sometimes speaking to a pastor or a friend can help when dealing with these things. By speaking, I don’t mean gossip. I mean do your best to speak good and blessings. You may also consider finding a support group. In many towns or cities, there are divorce and separation support groups.

I have been trying to as the Bible commands “speak evil of no one”. If you pray for someone when you are tempted to gossip about them, it changes your view of them and allows for others to see you aren’t malicious.

6. Give yourself time to grieve. Don’t try to bottle your feelings up. Recognize that it may take months or even a year before you feel completely yourself again. That’s ok. It’s a natural part of life. In my life a mistake I made was dwelling in self pity when I went through divorce.

Sometimes in life you reach a point where you just furrow your brow raise your fist towards the fear and discouragement and say “I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED”. I learned this in sales school. But it applies to facing problems.

Look also for the things you can grow in. For example, when you are newly single again you have more time. So fill that time with meaningful things like hobbies or things that you enjoy. Go see friends you haven’t seen in awhile, write a book, go on a trip. Even if it’s just long bike rides.

7. Be active. Did you know that a good walk rivals that of a basic dose of mild antidepressants? Join a gym or make a point to excercise this will trigger your body to release endorphins that help your body and mind deal with things. You will feel more healthy, and if you are planning on dating again, you will also be working towards making yourself more presentable to the opposite sex. Also, did you know that runners, and people who are active actually get a natural high from these acitivities? Maybe not every time, but when you are vigorously active, it can cause a natural high, helping you feel more balanced, and more in focus.

8. Set small achievable goals. When you divorce, a lot of time you are a wreck. So, it can be extremely difficult to even get out of bed. If you set small goals it will help you get things done. I am still a bit behind in my work. Because I was so distraught over my second divorce. That’s okay. I have daily goals, and I am working towards getting things in order.

It takes time!!! And grieving and healing take time too. Don’t expect to be perfect in two days time. Sometimes you may bounce back quickly, but just know it can often be a rollercoaster ride.

9. Move on, and heal. Remove objects or items that trigger sadness when thinking about your ex. By that I mean don’t spend hours looking over their photo album getting upset, or saddened. Do something VALUABLE with your TIME! Enjoy your life. Develop yourself as a person. Learning new things makes you more interesting, and makes your life fuller.

10. My final suggestion, is avoid turning to drinking or drugs to deal with the pain- as well as in the loneliness don’t turn to one night stands to fill the emotional gap. It’s an easy temptation, but one that can result in very long term negative concequences. Many an alcoholic started with a tragedy and spiraled from there. Or many an addict turned to drugs to escape the pain of their lives. IT DOESN’T WORK! It only stunts your emotional and mental growth.

Its like putting a band-aid on a gunshot wound. It’s still gonna bleed unless you treat it properly. Heart ache can be that way. The only way I know to allow your heart to fully heal, is to trust God, and pray for His strength and healing in your life. I know this to be true in my life. I know that no matter what I face, he has always been faithful.

I hope these things help you, they are things that have helped me through it. If you need help or advice leave me a message and I will do my best to respond.

God bless you all!
Dreamerkid